The internet's broken. I'm not sure if you'd noticed this, but it definitely is.

OK, I might be exaggerating a little bit. Yes, those of you sitting at home ordering groceries, or buying DVDs, or whatever high-tech variation of mail-order shopping is your particular preference won't have noticed the problem. I have though, and I'm on the case.

I hope we're all on board with the idea of putting newspapers out of business, by reading them online. Putting aside the whiff of gunpowder and the soreness in your foot, you still regularly browse the websites of news organisations to get your daily fix of news about the outside world, or celebrity fluff, or some seemingly-meaningless set of numbers that relate to something called "sport".

Most of the aforementioned organisations now partake in a activity I've snappily called "radiophoneinisation" (I fully expect this term to catch on, and that next year the OED will be asking me to pen the definition for their tome). Comments. Fucking comments.

The sort of annoying prat who phones up a radio show to expound their half-developed, deeply flawed ideas on a topic, and is almost never properly questioned by the show's host, is now leaving comments all over major websites. And it's driving me insane.

YouTube is probably the best place to examine this phenomenon. Barely literate twats make offensive remarks, start flame wars, and generally display their ignorance and stupidity like a baboon showing its arse to visitors in a zoo. The primates manage a bit more dignity.

"Yes, well", I hear you cry, "who cares about YouTube?". A fair point. But these inane morons can now be found on every British newspaper website, even the BBC has a ridiculous Have Your Say section on their site (which posed the question, and I'm sadly not joking here, "Should homosexuals be executed?" It was in the context of a story about a proposed law in Uganda, but it was still opening the nutter-door was wide open).

Quite frankly, I have plenty of nonsense to get irate about already. Slow-walking people on the pavement, talking during films in the cinema, cyclists jumping red lights, the list goes on. What I don't need to see, when I'm foolishly trying to find out what's going on in the world around me, is "She's a whore, who cares what she thinks?" from ShitForBrains82. Sure, I could post a comment as a rebuttal, and plenty of people try, but their remarks are washed away in the tidal wave of excrement that's continuously being added.

I blame the government. Mostly because it's easy to heap criticism on whoever they happen to be at the time, but also because they have the keys to the solution. I mean, there are some logistical details, and yes we might have to create something to control internet access for everyone a bit like the Great Firewall of China, but frankly, that's a small price to pay for me not getting mildly annoyed. I'm sure you agree.

We just need to have a basic psychiatric assessment of every internet user in the country. That's not as bas as it sounds, because by "basic" I mean talking to them for 2 minutes, then putting a tick or a cross on a form next to "Are they mental?". We can tack it onto the GPs, they're not doing much apparent from doling out antivirals of dubious efficacy. We can make it Key Stage 42 in schools, so everyone gets assessed going forward too.

If they pass this test, they're allowed to post comments, if not, they're verboten. Easy-peasy. Of course, if they pass the test, they won't feel the need to leave comments. I mean really, have you ever bothered?

Actually, now I think about it, let's just remove the comments section from every website. It's isn't interactive, it doesn't give one access to the "barometer of public opinion", it's just shit.

Ah, I feel better now. Thanks for reading, and do feel free to leave a comment!